I’m in my 20’s – why aren’t I having fun yet?
I can’t say how many times I meet with patients in their mid to late 20’s, and hear them railing against themselves “What is wrong with me? I’m supposed to be having the best years of my life but I’m miserable!” They beat themselves up because they haven’t “figured it out” like the rest of their peers.
There is a myth in our culture that the 20’s is a decade of freedom, partying, and having a LOT of fun. This is simply not the case. The 20’s is a decade of uncertainty, and often, fear. Am I going to be successful? Am I going to make enough money? Where am I going to live? Am I going to get married? Am I going to be happy? The questions are endless, and the answers can take years to reveal themselves.
Research does indicate that rates of anxiety and depression rise between the ages of 21 and 30. There has been a lot of talk that this is a “Millennial” problem, those between the ages of 18 and 34 have been too coddled and are therefore emotionally hobbled by mental health problems. However, according to Lila MacLellan from QZ.com, from a historical perspective each generation has had their share of anxiety. Enduring a spike in apprehensiveness may be a rite of passage for young adults. Perhaps, she writes, it takes time to learn that life is a series of sometimes stress-inducing, outside factors that can only be tolerated and managed, not evaded.
This perspective is supported by researchers at Happify, Inc. Ran Zilca and his team published “Why Your Late Twenties Is the Worst Time of Your Life” in the Harvard Business Review in 2016. They studied 88,000 people looking at self-reports of ongoing stress and found a sharp peak in “stress levels” in the late 20’s. While this is not surprising, as individuals aged into their 30’s and 40’s, the intake of stress continued to rise; however, the person’s emotional response to stress declined.
Harvard Business Review, 2016
Zilca explains that people find new ways to deal with interpersonal, work and family stressors. “We learn to develop psychological mastery and to regulate our emotions. As we age, we learn to put things in perspective, believe in ourselves more, and realize that the emotions that sometimes pierce our chests are temporary and do not have to consume us.”
Harvard Business Review, 2016
The bottom line is, I say to my poor 28-year-old patient, it does get better. Or rather, we get better. The unknowns become a little clearer. We feel a greater mastery at being adults. Life may continue to be stressful, but our ability to handle it expands and thus does not feel like a body blow as it did when we were younger.
For further reading please look at:
“Millennials experience work-disruptive anxiety at twice the US average rate” Lila MacLellan, QZ.com, December 5, 2018
“Why Your Late Twenties Is the Worst Time of Your Life” Ran Zilca, Harvard Business Review, March 7, 2016
“How to Overcome Your Quarter-Life Crisis” Patrick Allan, lifehacker.com, October 23, 2019