Why the Midlife Crisis May Not Be a Bad Thing

In our culture, the midlife crisis is misunderstood, ridiculed and even feared.

Countless jokes, movies, tv shows reveal our discomfort with middle age in general and the midlife crisis specifically. The stereotype of: “executive in 40’s buying red sports car and leaving wife” is the dominant view of what a midlife crisis is.

But this experience can be much subtler and felt by men and women across the social and economic landscape. In my 20 years of practice, I hear “Something must be wrong with me”, “I feel like I am going crazy” or “I just don’t care anymore” from my 37 to 47-year olds.

When they say this, I try to reassure them, no you are not going crazy, you are going through a natural phase of human development. A gradual realization that old pursuits are growing stale, and the body is yearning for something different.

The high we chase isn't doing it anymore. Then starts a vague sense of dissatisfaction within us.

Before we delve into what exactly is going on at midlife, we should review the life process in its early stages. In our teens, 20's and 30's, life seems to be going in an upward trajectory: our bodies are at their peak, we are focused on education, careers, finding a partner, creating a home, possibly having kids. Our lives are focused on the external (as they should be!)

But the trick life pulls on us is that the first half of life cannot last forever. The aging process begins, our bodies can't do what it did in our 20's, frantic competition is exhausting, getting the "next thing" starts losing its luster. The high we chase isn't doing it for us anymore. Then starts a vague sense of dissatisfaction within us.

Around the ages of 37 to 47, uncannily like clockwork, disillusionment, turmoil, discontent can hit. Traumatic events can hit like a medical event, a crisis with a child, an infidelity, a job loss or disappointment, a family conflict, or simply a creeping feeling of dissatisfaction, restlessness and emptiness occurs.

This often leads to physical symptoms like anxiety, irritability, anger outbursts, depression, panic attacks or insomnia. It can also trigger behavioral changes such as escalation of alcohol use, drug use, compulsive spending, overeating, excessive plastic surgery or having an affair.

Growing older was an elevation of status. The transition from young to older adult was given quiet, solitude and internal reflection.

What to do? Thousands of years ago our ancestors had rituals to guide natural transitions of life: rites of passage for boys and girls to become young men and women, and their older counterparts to become the wise men and women and leading elders of the community. Growing older was an elevation of status. Experience and wisdom was revered by the younger generations. Elders were given solitude for meditation on what was best for the community. The transition from young to older adult was given quiet, solitude and internal reflection.

We no longer have these rituals in modern society, so where do we go for guidance and support?

In his groundbreaking book Falling Upwards, Richard Rohr states that there are two natural parts to the human life cycle: The First Half of Life and The Second Half of Life. In the first half - you find your identity - your significance in the world. You are in control, in charge, looking good, building your tower of success whether it is your physical beauty, social standing or making it to the top of Forbes 100.

However, as Rohr puts it, one can get so consumed by the First Half of Life, they start to believe it is the only game in town. Money, cars, clothes, houses, sexual conquests, the next high, the next promotion - these accomplishments feel so good in the First Half of Life – but what happens in midlife is that these pursuits begin to feel like diminishing returns. I am not discouraging people from buying the sports car or getting botox, only to realize these are OUTER, first half of life activities, which can become more and more of a letdown after midlife. Continuing to ONLY use these behaviors in later life, can actually predispose us to getting unfulfilled, frustrated, depressed, addicted or even medically sick.

The Second Half of Life is an inside job. It may take spending more time by yourself. It is a time of reflecting back over the first half of your life, relishing accomplishments, grieving failures, reevaluating aspects of yourself and what you want to bring (and let go) into the next chapter.

Example, a hard-driving corporate type killed it in business by constant strategizing, manipulating and working harder than anyone else. In midlife, this person may be exhausted by these behaviors. They feel nothing is exciting anymore. They may be tempted to have an affair or build their dreamhouse. But if he or she resists the outside pull of First Half distractions, they may be able to listen to their mind needing a different course. He or she may decide to take the ruthlessness down a notch, maybe help a younger protégé in the field, or work less hours. Or more dramatically, he or she may decide to quit the corporate life altogether and start an entirely new career.

Another example, a married woman in her late 40’s who has devoted her entire life to her husband and kids. Her husband and kids are wildly successful (financially, great colleges, good relationships, etc). But the woman feels empty, resentful, and lost. She may think she needs a vacation, plastic surgery or to lose weight. But none of that will quiet the internal rumbling her body is telling her that something is amiss. She, instead of outside fixes, she needs space and time to reflect back that the selfless behaviors she engaged in served her and her family at the time, but maybe now, they are no longer useful. Rather than resenting her family and growing bitter, she needs to take the time to think about what she likes, what she is interested in, ruminate and let her mind wander about her own possibilities.

In the two examples above, both transitions require time, solitude, and self-reflection. An internal inventory if you will. It is important to remember that old coping behaviors (ex. ambition, selflessness) may have been essential to surviving, even thriving, in the First Half of Life, but the key is realizing they may not be needed as much in the Second Half. Sifting through qualities that you want to carry forward and letting go habits that are not serving you anymore, is a slow and deliberate process. Developing new behaviors is another component of midlife. Second Half of Life qualities are not necessarily sexy or flashy. Qualities that are often developed in the second half of life are things like pacing one's self instead of going 100 miles an hour, taking care of yourself instead of acting like the martyr, valuing your internal gifts vs your outer beauty, learning balance instead of living in extremes, practicing patience, compassion and empathy to others.

In summary, the midlife experience does not have to be a crisis. It is simply a natural phase and transition in the human experience. We turn from outward to more inward pursuits. It is actually the clinging to the First Half of Life that can turn a natural process into a crisis.

For more information on First Half of Life/Second Half of Life, please check out Falling Upwards by Richard Rohr.