Mommy Burnout

I know I’m not alone in enjoying ScaryMommy, modernmomprobs, momsbehavingbadly Instagram posts. ScaryMommy has over 1.8 million followers. This reveals a backlash against the “cult of mothering” – the endless pursuit of being the perfect mother – and the ugly underbelly of competition and judgement from other mothers.

The “Bad Moms” phenomenon, exemplified in the movie by Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell and Kathryn Hahn is a wonderful mom call to arms: “Why are we driving ourselves - and our families - into the ground in the name of perfect motherhood?”

This question is addressed by Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Ziegler in her book, “Mommy Burnout”. Dr. Ziegler describes the stress moms face these days, and the guilt they often feel, due to thinking they are not doing enough for their kids. She states moms are plagued by exhaustion, failure, isolation, self-doubt, and a general lack of self-love. This, she claims, is “Mommy Burnout”, and distinguishes it from anxiety and depression by it being entirely culturally and environmentally based. To put bluntly, this is not chemical, but a pervasive feeling and set of behaviors dictated by the messages we are receiving from our culture and also from ourselves.

Dr. Ziegler’s core advice includes rebuilding both female community networks and close friendships, avoiding over-tending to kids, and resisting the urge to multitask and rely on “busy-ness” to feel significant.

One of the most interesting points in her book talks about female brain chemistry after childbirth. The hormone, oxytocin, called the “bonding hormone” is elevated in the subsequent months after childbirth. Oxytocin causes us to seek out and connect – of course with our newborn and children - but studies show we need more connection than with just our little ones.

Ziegler writes that scientists call this phenomenon the “tend and befriend” response. In primitive societies oxytocin compels women to seek out other women going through the same childrearing experiences. Sharing similar experiences with other women, oxytocin physiologically rewards the brain by lowering the stress response and generating a sense of well-being.

No child can give you the reassurance, “Girl, I feel you…this stage sucks!” In fact, children can inadvertently make you feel you AREN’T doing enough.

Ziegler observes that today moms have fewer close and intimate friendships than in the past. She writes, “this means they have few people to reach out to when their toddlers have been hanging on them for the last eight hours straight or their teenager has lost her phone again.” They do not have an outlet to physiologically calm their stress.

But here is the worst part. To compensate their oxytocin-drive to bond, women “over-tend” their kids. “Overtending” can be obsessing about a newborn’s health/diet, delaying the transition for a child to sleep in their own room, getting too involved in a child’s friendships, or scheduling too many extracurricular activities. Moms become hyperfocused on their children at the expense of female friendships. Ziegler calls this “over-tending” kids while “under-befriending” girlfriends.

The biological drive to bond all gets poured into the child. This is a set up for frustration and depletion. No child can give you the reassurance, “Girl, I feel you…this stage sucks!” In fact, children can inadvertently make you feel you AREN’T doing enough. And therein lies Mommy Burnout.

This does not mean men are selfish assholes. It just means you are talking to a brain that is not wired the way you need.

Women can also misdirect their bonding need onto their spouses. Men are great, but they do not have the same brain physiology post-childbirth. Watch their eyes glaze over when you want to discuss the details of nap schedules, potty training, play dates and middle-school drama. At best they will pretend they are listening, but this will not give you the ocytocin boost you need from an understanding friend. This does not mean men are selfish assholes. It just means you are talking to a brain that is not wired the way you need, and you should probably talk to a different person, namely a woman going through a similar experience.